Today's fortune: May 31, 2011

Today's fortune: You will soon be involved in many gatherings and parties.

Sweet. I know exactly what this fortune is talking about.

Jamie is throwing a baby shower this weekend. Am I going to be invited to the shower? No. Am I going to be "involved in" the party? You bet your baby bonnet I am. Not only have I been cleaning up our landscaping to make the house presentable for showergoers, but I'll also be helping with the cleaning of the inside of the house prior to Saturday's shower. I've even volunteered to grill my famous MattBurgers for the party, but Jamie, for some crazy reason, seems to prefer hors d'oeuvres to half-pound hamburgers. Women.

This fortune refers specifically to "many" gatherings and parties, but check it - I've got more.

Jamie and I have been invited to a wedding next month. The bride's side is made up of friends of the family, and we'll probably be heading up for the event.

The wedding is taking place in the small town in Iowa from whence these folks hail. The reception will be down the road at a large hall. We've been there before, for a 50th anniversary party, but I'll betcha Jamie doesn't remember it.

During that party, my wife became epically drunk. The hosts provided an open bar (bad idea for any party Jamie attends), and the Captain Morgan was flowing freely that night. She must have had somewhere in the range of 12-20 mixed drinks.

After she became tipsy, Jamie wanted to go outside in the cold night air for a walk. Then, as she got bombed, she wanted to take her shoes off and walk through the grass. When she turned to shitfaced, Jamie wanted to roll around in the grass.

When I finally got her back inside the hall, I poured some coffee into her and ushered her off to the bathroom where, unattended, she fell to the floor of a stall. After she was discovered, a nice lady hoisted her off the floor and brought her back outside to me. Jamie was laughing the whole time. At least she was a happy drunk.

The incident earned her the nickname "Otis Campbell."

The night has become a part of family mythology. We'll see if this wedding reception brings a sequel.

One last party, which may be occurring soon. As I mentioned in a previous post, at work we're having a competition between departments to see which department can get the most 100% customer service scores for the month of May. Each 100% survey is awarded with a paintball splatter. 0The department that gets the most splatters wins a party. Since today is the last day of the month, we should find out soon who wins.

I also wrote in that post that my goal for the month was to be awarded a paintball splatter. Well, bad news: I didn't receive a single one.

I got two.