Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Today's fortune: January 11, 2011

Todays fortune: You will find your solution where you least expect it.
This one has had me plunging into the very depths of my soul today.

Because the real issue here is not where to find the solution, is it? The real issue here is, What's the problem?

On the surface, I don't have any major problems. I am in a happy and stable marriage, and I have a good-paying job with great benefits and job security. I get along with my co-workers. I have strong relationships with my friends and family. Our cats only blow chunks on the carpet a couple times per week.

Down deep, though, I found something. A problem. Not a constant, steady problem, but one that has been nagging at my subconcious for, well, perhaps my entire life.

I am insecure.

Again, not all the time. I'm only insecure about certain things, in certain situations. I'll give an example, but please understand this is very difficult for me. After all, it's my insecurity.

I have been overweight all my life. But hold on - I'm not insecure about my weight, per se. I realize I need to lose some of it (and I'm working on that), yet I'm comfortable in my skin. Occasionally I'll make jokes about my weight (a psychologist would say this is another sign of insecurity), and my close friends know it's okay to play along.

But then this happened: I've been getting quite a bit of media attention for this blog. The other morning, on my way to work, I heard the hosts of a morning radio show talking about the project. One of the hosts said he's seen pictures of me on the blog and that I should probably stop eating the fortune cookies.

Your simple, run-of-the-mill fat joke. Nothing I haven't heard before.

But for some reason, I was devastated. More than anything I was embarrassed, so much so that for brief seconds I even considered quitting the blog altogether.

It's confusing as hell for me. I don't care what that guy thinks, and what he says doesn't have any impact on me. And I'm over it now. But I won't lie - the comment cut me.

"You will find your solution where you least expect it."

That's the fortune. But is there a solution to insecurity? Is there ever a solution to our deepest, darkest problems?

I don't think so, no matter how hard you look, no matter how least you expect it.

4 comments:

  1. Dear, dear friend! You are beautifully and wonderfully made! See for yourself ---> http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&version=NIV

    And God has GREAT plans for you, but know His enemy has plans to destroy you, therefore, put your hope and strength in HIM and you will find the strength to endure this dark and hateful world.

    We are promised "great plans" and "prosperity," but we are also warned of the one who searches the earth for those he can "destroy".

    There will always be haters. But there is one who holds you in such high regard, He commands His angels to "lift you up," so be encouraged that the one who sprinkled the stars in the sky loves you, loves you so much in fact he "dances over you with singing"!

    Sorry for the Bible lesson. I just love God so much, and I want you to be encouraged because there are a lot of people standing in your corner cheering you on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Matt, please don't let idiots control your opinion of yourself, and please don't ever consider quitting this blog again.

    Up until a few hours ago, I had never heard of you, your story or your blog...and then I read your tale in our local newspaper.

    I've been mesmerized ever since. Your writing is delightful and painfully honest. I'm intrigued by your journey so far, and I eagerly anticipate learning more.

    I've never posted on anyone's blog before, but I felt compelled to do so here. You ask if there is a solution to insecurity. I have no idea...but I know that I am a total stranger who accidentally and thankfully stumbled upon your words...and I believe in you.

    Good luck in your quest. I'll be following. And by the way, you've inspired me to continue on with my own novel that I've been working on for a year. Thank you for this!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, Anon, thanks so much for your words. I'm glad you posted, and I hope you continue to do so. This means a lot to me.

    ReplyDelete