Thursday, February 3, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe has taken an interesting twist on fortune cookie messages. Here now, the first installment of a monthly series:

Years ago, a friend of mine told me the best way to read fortunes is to add the words “in bed” to the end of them, so I decided to combine this with the My Daily Fortune blog and see what happens.

Jan. 1: Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time in bed!

Well, I did what the fortune said, and let me tell you, I was disappointed. Not because it wasn’t fun. It really was. No, what brought me down was the realization of two things:

One: I have some ugly friends. If you weren’t there, you have no reason to be upset, so calm down. I’m obviously not talking about you. But for you guys who were there, I never realized I lived in the “Thriller” video.

Two: I have a lot of guy friends. Not really going to go into that one too much. Still feeling a little insecure about the whole thing.

All in all, I really regret following this fortune.

Jan. 2: Your luck will soon be at a high point in bed.

LIES!!! Dirty, filthy lies! So I tried to follow the other fortunes for that day just in case. And honestly, it wasn’t a whole lot better.

Amy Hawley's fortune: You will be coming into a fortune in bed. I did find a quarter, but that was an uncomfortable discovery. My wife still won’t talk to me.

George Waldenberger's fortune: Flowers would brighten the day of your close friend in bed. Not for someone with hay fever. That, again, has the wife angry. In her defense, though, I should have covered my mouth.

Jan. 3: You would do well to work as a team in the coming week in bed.

This one turned out great. The wife and I worked as a team and achieved my goals. Sure, we didn’t reach everyone’s goals, but you can’t win them all.

Jan. 4: Versatility is one of your outstanding traits in bed.

And now I have back issues. I’m beginning to hate the Chinese.

Jan. 5: Now is the best time for you to be spontaneous. Serendipity in bed!

And now I have a black eye and a bad back.

Jan. 6:  Do something unusual tomorrow in bed.

First: I’d like to thank the Kansas City Kansas Fire Department for their quick response.

Second: Hotplates do not belong in the bedroom. Burned hand, black eye, bad back, and some seriously strange looks from the neighbors.

Jan. 7: Your qualities overshadow your weaknesses in bed.

Again, lies. With all the above mentioned injuries, my weaknesses really show through. (Note to self, we’re out of ibuprofen.)

Jan. 8: It's time to treat yourself to something special in bed.

Apparently my definition of “something special” differs greatly from my wife’s. Let’s just say I slept in the recliner again and leave it at that.

Jan. 9: Your hard work is about to pay off. Congratulations in bed!

This one couldn’t be any more right. I finally got things figured out and I feel great. Thank you, fortune cookies. Thank you.

Jan. 10: Reaffirm your faith in financial plans - make a budget in bed.

Well, this one was probably one of the most boring ones yet. I did make a budget in bed, but seeing as I wasn’t near my desk at the time, I left a few things out and long story short, we’re overdrawn.

Jan. 11: You will find your solution where you least expect it in bed.

Well, I looked, and I looked hard. I checked everywhere I could think of and a few that were long shots, but found not a single solution, unless the question is “If a full grown man spends seven hours dismantling a bed frame and pulling a mattress apart, how long will it take for his wife to find out after she gets home from work?” The solution is 3 minutes. Oh, and we got a new bedroom set and a diamond necklace. Yay credit cards.

Jan. 12: A short stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share in bed.
I learned two new lessons today:
One: Our son is a very quiet child. He can sneak into a bedroom very stealthily when he wants to.
Two: We really need to get that kid potty trained.

Jan. 13: Need adventure and enjoyment? Take a vacation in bed.

This one is apparently open to interpretation. I did just what it said. I spent the entire day in bed, never leaving once. However, I was ill prepared for such an endeavor. I’ll know better next time. As for adventure, trying to find a place to go to the bathroom without leaving the bed is definitely… scintillating. However, I did get enjoyment when my wife came home and asked to have some of the apple juice by the bed. Well, about two seconds of enjoyment. I don’t remember anything after that.

Jan. 14: Your magnetic personality will draw people to you this month in bed.

First, how do magnets work? Second, we’ll see. We’ll see.

Jan. 15: Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones in bed.
Apparently I need to find my wife’s dictionary and look up her definition of good.

Jan. 16: You have an ambitious nature and will make a name for yourself in bed.

I have a name in bed all right. But it isn’t my given name and it’s definitely not repeatable on a public forum.

Jan. 17:  You will be called upon to celebrate some good news in bed.

This one was spot on. I did celebrate, and it was some good news. Then I rolled over and went to sleep.

Jan. 18: You will soon bring joy to someone in bed.

This one is yet to be seen.

Jan. 19: You will be showered with good luck before your next birthday in bed.

Well, we’ll see about this one. But, I do have until the end of November, so there’s a chance. No news on the 18th fortune yet.

Jan. 20: Tomorrow will be a productive day. Don't oversleep in bed.

So I slept in the recliner. Other than being stiff all day, I wasn’t any more productive than usual.

Jan. 21: An unexpected visitor will bring you good blessings in bed.

When? Nothing on the 18th yet.         

Jan. 22: You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend in bed.

Sorry, we’ve been down this road before. I don’t think I’m going to fall for that same trap twice. In the words of George W. Bush: “Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.”

Jan. 23: Your genuine talent will find its way to success in bed.

How in the world is being good in Excel going to help me in bed? Seriously, can anyone tell me that? Anyone?

Jan. 24: Tomorrow you will find the item you have been searching for in bed.

I’m going to find the Paul Simon CD we lost months ago? In bed? Really? You think it would have shown up there by now, but I guess we’ll see.

Jan. 25: You will be rewarded for being a good listener in the next week in bed.

Fingers crossed on the 18th with this one. Oh and no Paul Simon CD. Lying, stupid fortune. I really miss that album.

Jan. 26: Your friend or partner is needing your advice and encouragement in bed.

Well, I tried this one but she just got mad again. Apparently none of my advice was very helpful. In fact she said it was being really counterproductive (whatever that means). As for the encouragement, pompoms and a bull horn may not have been the best route.

Jan. 27: The rainbow's treasures will soon belong to you in bed.

This one was kind of creepy, because I did find a bag of Skittles. We don’t even eat Skittles.

Jan. 28: Someone is looking up to you. Don't let that person down in bed.

Not always, sometimes I’m looking up at her. But, I tried. Still no luck with the 18th though.

Jan. 29: You shouldn't overspend at the moment. Frugality is important in bed.

Actually, my wife says I should do the exact opposite of this. It may lead to an 18th.

Jan. 30: Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up in bed.

Yeah, well, they also say laughter is the best medicine. If that’s true then my wife must feel fantastic. Apparently my attempts for the 18th last night were highly hilarious. Let’s see how time does with a fracture and somewhat deflated ego. As for keeping my chin up in bed, no problem, I sleep on my back.

Jan. 31: A cheerful letter or message is on its way to you in bed.

Our mailman is WAY too friendly.

5 comments:

  1. "in bed" is always spoken when my husband and I eat our fortune cookies. That was a fun read!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awesome addition to the blog, I look forward to next month's installment!

    ReplyDelete