Sunday, March 6, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this hilarious monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

Well, last month wasn’t so great, but hopefully my fortune will turn.  Get it?  See what I did there?

February 1: You will continue to take chances and be glad you did in bed.
Okay fortune.  If you say so, but so far, things haven’t really been looking up.  I tried taking some more chances, and so far nothing’s killed me (entirely).  Maybe something special for Valentine’s day?

Feb. 2: Your talents will prove to be especially useful this week in bed.
Apparently, what I thought of as “talents”are more what my wife calls “mistakes.”  I’ve gotta find that dictionary of hers.

On a side note:  Fellahs, do not, I repeat DO NOT use porn as a reference guide for your techniques.  Just because the ladies on the screen seem to enjoy it doesn’t mean your girl won’t laugh at your attempts.  Sure it’s a type of enjoyment, but it’s not the reaction you’re looking for.

Feb. 4: Modify your thinking to handle new situations in bed.
Talk to your significant other before you “modify” how you “handle situations.”  I also learned that gauze and ace bandages cost more than I remember.

Feb. 5: Prepare today for the demands of tomorrow. Plan your move in bed.
Tonight, we sleep.

Feb. 6: You are always welcome in any gathering. Host a party this month in bed.
I started following this one and had some really awesome ideas.  It was going to be pretty sweet.  Then my wife found the plans and we’ve decided to skip this one.

Feb. 7: You will soon be the center of attention in bed.
Damn neighbors.  I tell ya, just because you hear screaming doesn’t mean you should call the cops.  It would have been a lot less painful had my wife been home to help deal with the police.  As it was, I was left alone to try and explain why there was melted candle wax all over the bedroom.

Feb. 8: Appreciate the caring people who surround you in bed.
She never lets me do any of these I really want to do.

Feb. 9: Your flamboyant personality will soon bring you to a new hobby in bed.
We both agreed to skip this one.  Though I did have some ideas.

Feb. 11: Soon someone new in your life will become a very good friend in bed.
Please let me meet Gina Torres.  Please let me meet Gina Torres.  Please let me meet Gina Torres.  Please let me meet Gina Torres.  Oh…  Hi, honey.

Feb. 13: A fond memory will soon lead to a renewed friendship in bed.
Well, lately I was thinking about how much I loved football and I bought a cheerleader outfit for my wife.  It was pretty cool up until she called out her old boyfriend’s name from high school.

Feb. 14: You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on in bed.
LIES!!!  Again with the lies!!!  And did you know that not all insurance covers chiropractors?

Feb. 15: Your friends will truly be helpful in your next month's endeavor in bed.
Yeah, right.  I got my buddies together and we had a powwow to try this one.  I found out that my buddies are a bunch of sick, sick bastards.  Oh, and that my wife has really good hearing and little tolerance for me “sharing the intimate details of our lovemaking.”  Sheesh.  It’s not like I told them about the saddle or anything.
Oh, damn.

Feb. 16: Your respect for others will be your ticket to success in bed.
If you like your teeth where they are, whatever you do, don’t tell your wife you respect the fact that her sister has a really nice rack.

Feb. 17: An interesting musical opportunity is in your near future in bed.
Long story short, it’s hard to return a used tuba.

Feb. 18: A friend will soon reveal an exciting secret to you in bed!
Yes.  He sure did.  He also needs to learn to knock. Next time, Matt, call first.

Feb. 19: Your clever mind will lead you to many rewards in bed.
Your clever mind will myeh myeh myeh.”  How can a person have such disdain for a little piece of paper?  Of course, it’s not entirely the fortune’s fault.  I just think I’m clever, but apparently, I’m just a pervert.

Feb. 23: Trust others, but still keep your eyes open in bed.
I kept my eyes open, but nothing much was different, except I could see the disappointed look on her face.

Feb. 25: You deserve to have a good time after a hard day's work in bed.
There went my Saturday.  All day in bed performing “hard” “work” is tough. Not that I’m complaining, but my back can’t take another one of these fortunes.

Feb. 26: No obstacles will stand in your way this coming week in bed.
Apparently they didn’t anticipate the in-laws.  “It’ll only be a couple of days.”  Sigh.

Feb. 27: This year your highest priority will be your family in bed.

Feb. 28: Your courage will guide your future in bed.
Yeah, we see how well that worked out for the Cowardly Lion.


  1. My wife and I have always chuckled about the "in bed" at the end of our fortunes. David's comments above are genuine laugh-out-louds!