Saturday, May 7, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.
April 1: Do not rush through life. Pause and enjoy it in bed.
Who’s been talking to my wife?

April 2: You will soon gain something you have always desired in bed.
I'm going to get a trip to Europe in bed? SWEET!

April 3: You will inherit an unexpected sum of money within the year in bed.
Sooo… I’m going to be a prostitute sometime this year?

April 4: Don't give up. Your problem in bed gets better next month.
Viagra takes a month to work? Dude. I need to call my doctor.

April 5: Soon, you will receive pleasant news in bed.
I’m going to assume this means my wife will tell me she bought that cheerleader uniform I’ve been begging for. *fingers crossed*

April 7: You will win success in whatever you attempt in bed.
Unlike normally, you mean? Yeah, that’s an ego booster. Stupid fortune. What do you know, cookie?

April 8: Rely on your friends today to help make that difficult decision in bed.
This one was actually really helpful. My buddy talked me out of the riding crop, and after discussing things with my wife, it was a good decision. Thanks, Matt!

April 9: A bold and dashing adventure is in your future within the year in bed.
When we talked about roleplaying in bed, Dungeons & Dragons wasn’t what I had in mind.

April 11: Be prepared to modify your plans in bed.
Good call. Forget the mirror. Go with mirrors!

April 15: Your lucky number today is nine in bed.
Oh, you know it. Nine is pretty close to accurate. Good guess.

April 17: You shall attain great wisdom with each passing year in bed.
This is 100% correct. I have learned a lot in 13 years. But the more information you force in my head, the more that gets pushed out to make room.

April 19: A blonde from afar has something interesting for you in bed.
Heidi Klum is finally going to answer my fan letter?!? Sweet!

April 20: You will live a long, prosperous life in bed.
Well, that just seems illogical.

April 22: You will be soon recieve a letter from a loved one in bed.
Good to be knowing of this letter. Prepare me can to hide it from the wife of mine. Heads up I thank you for, cookie of fortune. When did we become Yoda?

April 25: Next week, your luck color will be green in bed!
Going to Target to get the sheets now. Thanks cookie.

April 27: Today is a good time to take some extra relaxation in bed.
Well, yeah. That’s what it was made for. Come on, you’ve got to try harder than that, cookie.

April 28: Today will be lucky and memorable for you in bed.
Notice it didn’t say the luck would be good. It was memorable though. I’ve never seen a cat jump so far and flames that blue before. Mexican food; you get what you pay for. Hope my wife’s eyebrows grow back soon.

April 29: An interesting sports opportunity is in your near future in bed.
Cheerleader uniform? Please please please please please please.