Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Today's fortune: May 3, 2011

Today's fortune: You have a keen sense of humor and bring out the best in others.

A guy walks into a bar. Concussion.

Two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

Courtesy of Marilyn Kelsey: An older couple is at home, and the husband goes into the kitchen. "Bring me a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top," the wife says. "Okay," growls the husband. "You better write it down so you won't forget it," replies the wife. "I won't forget it!" the husband says. A few minutes later he comes back and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at him and says, "What about the toast?"

Courtesy of Brian Regan:

Two older couples are driving down the road, the men in the front and the women in the back. The man in the passenger's seat says, "What's the name of that restaurant over there?" The driver says, "Oh, what's the name of that flower?" The passenger says, "A daisy?" "No, no, the flower people get on Valentine's Day." "Carnations?" No! The flower with thorns on the stem." "A rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then the driver turns to his wife and says, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant over there?"

Courtesy of John Heffron:

A lady walks into the pharmacy. She says to the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra here?" "Yes we do, ma'am," the pharmacist replies. Then she asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" The pharmacist responds, "If I take two I can."

Courtesy of Marty Kelsey: Why don't lions eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

Courtesy of reader Caryn McGrew: Someone hacked into a blonde's computer account. The password was: MickeyGoofyPlutoDaisyCinderellaShrekDonkeyFionaWashingtonD.C. When asked why she had such a long password, she replied that she was told it had to have at least eight characters and one capital.

And finally, courtesy of the legendary Bill Cosby:


Jamie goes to school four nights a week, but tonight I was able to slip away from work early and meet her for a quick dinner before school. We made a run for the border and ate at Taco Bell. My meal included a few packets of Verde Border Salsa, which is green in color.

And the Border Salsa packets happen to be the closest equivalent to fortune cookies in the fast food kingdom:

Then I stopped by a favorite discount retailer where the Lots are really Big. I looked around the store for something green, and I ended up in the home decor section. I passed some green bath towels, and a solution for a problem presented itself. We always seem to be short on towels. So I bought some. Then I saw the matching hand towels and bath set, and I had to have those too.


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