Friday, June 10, 2011

Today's fortune: June 10, 2011

Today's fortune: You should enhance your feminine side at this time.

This has been an... interesting day.

As I was walking out the door for work, I mentioned the fortune to Jamie, and asked her what she thought it meant.

"Well," she said, a goofy grin on her face, "to enhance means to show off." (Not exactly, Jamie, says it means to raise to a higher degree; intensify; magnify, but whatever.)

"I think you should let me put some gel in your hair," she said. "And hairspray. And makeup!"

I shared some choice words for that idea, but before I knew it she had led me to the bedroom and began applying something called foundation onto my face.

Just look how happy Jamie is by making me miserable.

After that, it was hair gel and spray. Fortunately, none of the products were applied thickly enough that anyone could tell I was wearing them; only me and my penis knew. Just about the time I was beginning to feel like a natural woman, Jamie gave me some last-minute tips for makeup maintenance.

"Now when you get to work, you should just blend it in if it looks a little too powdery," she said.

"What, like with a paper towel?"

"No, idiot. With your ring finger."

I laughed. "So if I use my index finger I'll mess it up?"

"Yes," she said. She wasn't joking.

Outside the house a slight rain was falling. My first concern was that the rain would smear my makeup. My second concern was that my makeup was concerning me.

During the drive in I resisted the temptation to listen to sports talk radio, instead opting for the girliest music station I could find. And when I got to work, I blended. With my ring finger.

My first stop was the company store, where they rent movies to employees for a buck per night. I asked Connie, the storekeeper, to recommend the girliest movie in the collection. She began an in-depth search, all the while saying, "That's so nice of you, Matt, to think about your wife. She'll really appreciate this."

For some reason I didn't have the balls to tell her the movie was for me.

We settled on the movie Dear John, and after I read the description on the box, I decided it is, in fact, The Girliest Movie Of All Time:

It was two weeks that would change their lives forever. Soon after John and Savannah fall madly in love, their relationship is put on hold. With one leaving to complete his service, and the other to complete her college education, they pass the time by exchanging a continuous stream of love letters, until they can be reunited permanently a year later.

But when war breaks out, their separation is extended indefinitely. Will their relationship survive the greatest test of all: the test of time? Based on the best-selling novel from the author of "The Notebook, DEAR JOHN is a timeless romance that will warm your heart.

I swear I didn't make any of that up.

At a certain point during the day, I encountered another feminine situation. To avoid indelicacy, let me just say that there's a certain activity males can perform while standing up, but females have to sit down to complete the activity. When I needed to do that activity today - I'm woman enough to admit it - I sat down.

The makeup really wasn't that bad, although it made my face feel really dry all day. I guess that's kind of the point. Now I understand why women use so much moisturizer.

I don't want to pretend that by wearing makeup, renting a chick flick and sitting down to... you know... gives me an insight on being a woman. For that sort of revelation, I would need to do something much more drastic, like Esquire writer Tom Chiarella wrote about this month - he gave up all remnants of his own manliness for a long period of time.

Revalation, no. Insight, yes. If this will help me understand women even one iota better, the makeup will have been worth it.