Friday, July 8, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.
June 1: Turn your thoughts within - find yourself in bed.Got it. Going solo.

June 2: You will soon have the opportunity to improve your finances in bed.But I don’t wanna be a gigolo.

June 3: You have a strong instinct to take care of people you love in bed.Well, I do my best. But like my wife says when she’s patting my head, at least I tried.

June 4: You will be successful in a business of your own in bed.My business is just that: My business. And of course I’m successful.

June 5: A small act of charity will go a long way in bed.I give until it hurts.

June 6: Do not dwell on differences with a loved one - try to compromise in bed.Actually, I usually tend to focus on the differences. Those voluptuous, beautiful differences.

June 7: You are wise to keep your eyes wide open at all times this week in bed.So no fantasizing about Kathy Ireland. 80’s and 90’s Kathy Ireland, not current Kathy Ireland. Back when she didn’t look like something out of a Disney ride.

June 9: Soon, a visitor shall delight you in bed.Woo hoo!! Do I have to tell my wife?

June 10: You should enhance your feminine side at this time in bed.Well, that was a flop. Apparently my wife doesn’t find her lingerie on me as attractive as I find it on her. Women. Am I right fellas?

June 11: You will be transforming a situation in your life now with a positive attitude in bed.Do I get to be an Autobot or a Decepticon?

June 14: Now is the time for a new collection or hobby in bed.Um… ew.

June 15: You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble in bed. Answer the call.Actually this one came true. And I did answer the call. He’s sleeping on our couch for the next few days until things cool down at his place.

June 16: Your dearest wish will come true in bed.She’ll make me a sammich afterward?

June 17: You could prosper in the field of entertainment in bed.We did try taping it once, but after reviewing the footage… I really doubt it.

June 18: You have an unusual magnetic personality for success to come in bed.It’s true, I always exceed at that part.

June 19: You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily in bed.What? Like loosening the ball-gag? I’ve said too much, haven’t I?

June 20: You will be recognized and honored as a community leader in bed.These cookies really stretch definitions to their furthest, don’t they? I was recognized because someone left the curtains open, and if by honored you mean I was posted on Youtube and have over a million hits, then yes. As a community leader… well I was on top at the time.

June 21: Keep in mind that it's the journey and not the destination that counts in bed.Apparently, whoever wrote this was not a guy. Am I right fellas?

June 23: Be alert for new opportunities in bed - pleasure or business.I’m all business when I hit the sheets, baby. And I hit them at every opportunity. Sometimes my wife is there too!

June 24: More art in your life at this time will help you feel better in bed.So I put on some opera music, thinking it might spice things up. Word of advice: Pagliacci is not your best bet. We both ended up crying. But for different reasons.

June 25: Trust your intuition in bed.The rest of this one should read “and get a black eye for your efforts.”

June 26: A faithful friend is a strong defense in bed.The dog did howl along…

June 27: Do not give up in bed; the beginning is always the hardest.WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO?!

June 28: Emotions can be sweet and sour, so can your meal in bed.Um… I… That can really… You shouldn’t… Um… Yeah.

June 29: Do not let great ambitions overshadow small success in bed.HEY! Small is a very subjective word.

1 comment: