Tuesday, August 9, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

July 1: Happier days are definitely ahead for you in bed.
They kind of have to be at this point.  Hard to see things NOT getting at least a little better.

July 2: Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it in bed.
Wow.  I hope not.   Some of the things I think are beautiful in bed I’m pretty sure are illegal in some states.

July 4: Good luck is the result of good planning in bed.
This is part true.  You have to make the plans with your, partner not alone.  Otherwise you find out they have an allergy to wool and a very powerful phobia of wooden ventriloquist dummies.

July 6: You will soon emerge victorious from the maze you've been traveling in in bed.
Wow!  These cookies know way too much about my sex life.  But… do they know about the mouse suit and the “cheese” too?

July 7: Treasure what you have in bed.
I should treasure my wife’s constant disappointment and my self-loathing?

July 8: Everywhere you choose to go in bed, friendly faces will greet you.
I explored all the regions of our bed, and the cookie lied.  Especially under the bed, where I found one of our cats trying to nap.  Several band-aids and a few Tylenol later, I decided to give up on the exploration and take a nap.  In the recliner.

July 9: The one you love is closer than you think in bed.
Is that why when she rolls over I get an elbow in the gut?

July 10: Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go in bed!
How do these things know my wife’s been reading mystery novels in bed?  It’s amazing!

July 12: You should have a talk with a friend today in bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to invite a friend over to do this?  And how hard it is to keep friends when you try?

July 13: Keep true to the dreams of your youth in bed.
Okay, but I’m not sure how well a priest outfit, a row boat, and a talking pony named Gilroy are going to go over.

July 14: A single kind word can keep one warm for years in bed.
Bourbon?

July 15: Good food brings good health and longevity in bed.
Bad food brings food poisoning and a long night in bed.

July 16: You have a heart of gold in bed.
That’s not the part I want to be gold in bed!

July 17: Look forward to great fortune and a new lease on life in bed!
She’s finally going to forgive me for what has become known in our household as the “clamp incident?”

July 18: Good news of long-awaited event will arrive soon in bed.
Oh cookie, why do you taunt me so?  Why do you tease and dangle in front of me that which will never happen?

July 19: Hope is the most precious treasure to a person in bed.
I don’t know.  Sleep is pretty high up there too.

July 20: Honesty and friendship bring you fortune in bed.
I try to be honest and tell her what I really want, but she keeps calling me names.  Names like “pervert,” “deviant,” and other names I probably shouldn’t print.

July 21: You were born with a "sixth sense" and superb insight in bed.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

July 23: No need to worry in bed! You will always have everything that you need.
Viagra and Ambien?  But NOT at the same time.

July 24: Life always gets harder near the summit in bed.
*giggles*  Dammit I am such a child.

July 25: Advancement will come with hard work in bed.
Does that mean I’m getting a raise?
Get it?  See what I did there?

July 26: Failure is the mother of success in bed.
Do we really have to bring up mothers?

July 27: The courage to be great in bed lies deep within each of us.
It must be really deep.  I’m tempted to seek medical help in finding it at this point.  Or a mining team.

July 28: Those who seek will find in bed.
Depends on what they’re seeking.  Maybe some crumbs.  Cat fur.  Frustration.

July 29: Your eyes will soon be opened to a world full of beauty, charm and adventure in bed.
Yeah, that Ambien/Viagra combo is a real trip.

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