Wednesday, October 12, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

Sept. 1: You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment in bed.
So… the spirit is willing? Cool. Now a blue pill to help along the flesh and we’re in business.

2: Society prepares the crime; the criminal commits it in bed.
So, now I’m a degenerate?! Oh who am I kidding? Of course I am.

3: You will be awarded some great honor in bed.
I got a trophy. It reads “Fastest time.”

5: Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues in bed.
Yeah, that ball gag can get kind of tight.

8: You have a reputation for being straight forward and honest in bed.
Well, actually it curves to the left a bit and… OH! I need to finish reading these before I start writing.

9: You are appreciated by your company in bed.
I really, really doubt it. I mean, unless she shows her appreciation by throwing things and calling me a failure as a man.

10: You will be of good comfort in bed.
That’s why I bought a Posturepedic mattress.

11: You are strong and brave in bed.
I think I got someone else’s cookie. HEY! Did anyone here get a sexually derogative cookie?! I think ours got switched!

12: Happiness always accompanies with you in bed.
*looks around again* Dang servers are doing this on purpose, I know they are.

13: He who hurries in bed cannot walk with dignity.
Or with much comfort for that matter. It chafes a bit if you’re not careful.

14: Good news will be brought to you by mail in bed.
We need to talk to the mail man about boundaries. Again.

15: A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance in bed.
And a grumpy heart makes for a lumpy couch. Jeez, I said I was sorry. How was I supposed to know she was allergic to raspberries?

16: You should be able to make money and hold on to it in bed.
That’s great, but I’d rather have it held for me in a bank if you don’t mind. I don’t trust my bed anymore.

17: Your family is young, gifted and attractive in bed.
I really don’t want to know about that. I really, really don’t. Stupid internet.

19: Your courage in bed will bring you honor.
Didn’t we already talk about the trophy?

20: You are contemplating some action which will bring credit upon you in bed.
Well, I do have a plan… But will it be good credit or bad credit? I’m more familiar with the latter. Just ask that free credit thing from TV.

21: Your talents in bed will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Not really. So far only about 20 hits on Youtube. It’s been up a month.

22: A carrot a day, may keep cancer away in bed.
A “carrot” a day, eh? There is totally a joke in here, but I just can’t find it.

23: A pleasant surprise is waiting for you in bed.
Surprise, yes. Pleasant, not so much. Stupid-ass cat.

24: Your winsome smile will be your sure protection in bed.
Yeah, until she decides it’s not funny and wipes the “clever little grin” off my face.

25: You have a yearning for perfection in bed.
I do. I really do! But… you have to work with what you have and honestly, I don’t think my “medium” matches my canvas.

26: A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains in bed.
Yeah, but rushing can get you to sleep faster.

27: Accept the next proposition you hear in bed.
“Eager monkey grasps the turnip?” Honey, I don’t think my back is up for that. I know what the cookie said but… Fine.
*twenty minutes later*
Emergency room attendant: And what brings you here tonight?
Me: You tell her, hon.

28: Do not let friends impose on you, work calmly and silently in bed.
But I’m a screamer!

29: You will have a bright future in bed.
Yeah, those cops have some pretty powerful flashlights. Damn neighbors.