Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.
Sept. 1: You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment in bed.
So… the spirit is willing? Cool. Now a blue pill to help along the flesh and we’re in business.
2: Society prepares the crime; the criminal commits it in bed.
So, now I’m a degenerate?! Oh who am I kidding? Of course I am.
3: You will be awarded some great honor in bed.
I got a trophy. It reads “Fastest time.”
5: Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues in bed.
Yeah, that ball gag can get kind of tight.
8: You have a reputation for being straight forward and honest in bed.
Well, actually it curves to the left a bit and… OH! I need to finish reading these before I start writing.
9: You are appreciated by your company in bed.
I really, really doubt it. I mean, unless she shows her appreciation by throwing things and calling me a failure as a man.
10: You will be of good comfort in bed.
That’s why I bought a Posturepedic mattress.
11: You are strong and brave in bed.
I think I got someone else’s cookie. HEY! Did anyone here get a sexually derogative cookie?! I think ours got switched!
12: Happiness always accompanies with you in bed.
*looks around again* Dang servers are doing this on purpose, I know they are.
13: He who hurries in bed cannot walk with dignity.
Or with much comfort for that matter. It chafes a bit if you’re not careful.
14: Good news will be brought to you by mail in bed.
We need to talk to the mail man about boundaries. Again.
15: A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance in bed.
And a grumpy heart makes for a lumpy couch. Jeez, I said I was sorry. How was I supposed to know she was allergic to raspberries?
16: You should be able to make money and hold on to it in bed.
That’s great, but I’d rather have it held for me in a bank if you don’t mind. I don’t trust my bed anymore.
17: Your family is young, gifted and attractive in bed.
I really don’t want to know about that. I really, really don’t. Stupid internet.
19: Your courage in bed will bring you honor.
Didn’t we already talk about the trophy?
20: You are contemplating some action which will bring credit upon you in bed.
Well, I do have a plan… But will it be good credit or bad credit? I’m more familiar with the latter. Just ask that free credit thing from TV.
21: Your talents in bed will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Not really. So far only about 20 hits on Youtube. It’s been up a month.
22: A carrot a day, may keep cancer away in bed.
A “carrot” a day, eh? There is totally a joke in here, but I just can’t find it.
23: A pleasant surprise is waiting for you in bed.
Surprise, yes. Pleasant, not so much. Stupid-ass cat.
24: Your winsome smile will be your sure protection in bed.
Yeah, until she decides it’s not funny and wipes the “clever little grin” off my face.
25: You have a yearning for perfection in bed.
I do. I really do! But… you have to work with what you have and honestly, I don’t think my “medium” matches my canvas.
26: A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains in bed.
Yeah, but rushing can get you to sleep faster.
27: Accept the next proposition you hear in bed.
“Eager monkey grasps the turnip?” Honey, I don’t think my back is up for that. I know what the cookie said but… Fine.
*twenty minutes later*
Emergency room attendant: And what brings you here tonight?
Me: You tell her, hon.
28: Do not let friends impose on you, work calmly and silently in bed.
But I’m a screamer!
29: You will have a bright future in bed.
Yeah, those cops have some pretty powerful flashlights. Damn neighbors.