Today's fortune: You are the master of every situation.
When I walked through the door this evening, Jamie gave me her very best kittenish voice and said, "Hello, master," doing a perfect I Dream of Jeannie impersonation. But the Jeannie disappeared quickly back in the bottle. When I expressed satisfaction with this greeting, Jamie deepened her voice and said, "Don't get used to it, bucko."
Now that I've been properly put in place, I can reflect on this fortune. I can't say I'm the master of every situation, but I've mastered a few things.
* I'm an awesome foosball player. When I was younger my brother and I had a foosball table, and I would regularly kick his butt, despite the fact that he cheated unmercilessly. I'll challenge anyone to foosball. Any time. Bring it.
* I'm great at giving my cat, Short Round, liquid medicine. About a year ago we took Shorty to the vet, because she had a fat lip. The vet said it was an infection and prescribed some medicine that had to be applied with an eye dropper. The first time we tried it, Jamie grabbed Shorty and I held the eye dropper, and by the time we gave up we both were bleeding from Shorty's viscious claw attacks, and I'd accidentally squirted the medicine directly into Jamie's mouth. After that I decided I wasn't going to mess around with those claws, so I just picked up Shorty by the scruff of her neck with one hand, jammed the eye dropper into her mouth and squeezed the medicine in. By the time the prescription had run out, I could give Shorty her medicine in about three seconds.
* I was a terrific student, especially later in my academic career. I got straight A's in college and graduated summa cum laude. And I've always been a good test-taker, too.
* I know damn near everything there is to know about Lou Gehrig. When I was a kid I pegged him as a hero of mine, and I read every book about him I could find. He was a terrific human being, by the way, in addition to being an amazing baseball player.
* And, finally, I'm pretty damn awesome at selecting a bride.