Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.
October 1: You are a practical person in bed with your feet on the ground.
Yeah, we tried that position, but our bed’s really tall. So my feet started out on the ground, but ended up on a Playschool step stool. Hey, you use what’s handy in a pinch.
2: You are a person of culture in bed.
Which is why I’m not allowed to bring a cup of tea along with me anymore.
3: You are the master of every situation in bed.
Only if the situation is one that requires bating.
4: Speak only well of people and you need never whisper in bed.
That’s not true. Sometimes, when the kid is still awake, you have to be pretty… discreet. And me being a screamer doesn’t help.
5: Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you in bed.
Does it count that I get “in” a lot of trouble in bed? I’m not really looking for it. It just seems to find me.
6: The physician heals, nature makes well in bed.
Yeah, playing doctor used to be fun, until the day I went to that gynecologist’s yard sale. Now… now she doesn’t seem to want to play anymore.
8: You have an important new business development shaping up in bed.
Well, I have been working on a pretty important merger…
10: At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment in bed.
So I’m in the wit range, am I? Well… shit.
11: A merry heart does good like a medicine in bed.
Can… can I choose the medicine? *crosses fingers and hopes for Cialis*
12: Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time in bed.
Tell that to my stopwatch-wielding wife. And it really depends on the truth. Trust me fellas, when she asks in the middle, “Who are you thinking of?” The answer is ALWAYS “You, dear.”
13: A nice cake is waiting for you in bed.
And I thought the strawberries, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce were weird.
14: You are generous to an extreme and always think of the other fellow in bed.
You don’t read this blog, do you cookie?
15: You are the center of every group's attention in bed.
Only because my friends have that link on Youtube and keep reposting it.
16: Every friend joys in your success in bed.
Then why do my co-workers keep telling me to stop sharing the stories?
17: Wish you happiness in bed.
Well, you can wish in one hand…
18: You are going to have a very comfortable old age in bed.
I’m getting one of those adjustable beds? SWEET!!!
20: An angry man opens his mouth and shuts up his eyes in bed.
Not just an angry man. And besides, how do you know about my O face?
22: May you have good appetite in bed.
Wow. Too easy.
23: You are original and creative in bed.
And I have the scars and bruises to prove it.
24: You are busy but you are happy in bed.
Well, one of us is. Yeah.
25: It is a sunny day in bed.
Unless there’s some unforeseen, premature drizzling.
26: You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home in bed.
Well, that explains the beat poet who showed up unannounced the other night. Or does it?
27: Behind an able man, there are always other able men in bed.
HONEY!!! WE NEED TO TALK!!!
28: You are going to have some new clothes in bed.
Yes. And other than the fact that they were leather and very strappy, you don’t need to know any more about them.
29: A happy and harmonious family is important to you in bed.
30: God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another in bed.
Well, yeah. It’s hard to keep them straight, what with all the laughter and then tears.
31: You will have a fine capacity for the enjoyment of life in bed.
If you say so, cookie. If you say so.