Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.
November 1: You have a deep appreciation for the arts and music in bed.Umm… Is porn part of the arts?
2: You will be advanced socially, without any special effort in bed.
Oh, good. ‘Cause I haven’t put any forth.
3: You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly in bed.
Hey! I was born this way. Besides, my wife says I’m average.
5: A modest man never talks of himself in bed.
Does screaming out my own name at the end count?
7: God will help you overcome any hardship in bed.
Overcome it? I wanted his help ACHIEVING it!
8: Handsome is that handsome does in bed.
Handsome is crying and apologizing?
9: Good sense is the master of human life in bed.
In the words of Adam Savage of Mythbusters, “Well there’s your problem.”
10: You will have gold pieces by the bushel in bed.
That explains the lumpy matress…
11: You will sleep well at night in bed.
So… Not on the couch? She’s gonna forgive me? Awesome!
12: Drink to your health in bed.
Just don’t drink too much or your “health” won’t work so well.
14: You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy in bed.
*Belch* You know me. I got class running out my… ears.
15: In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare in bed.
Then how come all those websites make so much money?
16: You were born with a "silver spoon in your mouth" in bed.
That explains why my mom was always so mad at me.
17: Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress in bed.
A thong it is!
18: The world is always ready to receive talent with open arms in bed.
Tell that to the moderators of Facebook. Jerks. It’s not like I was even naked. Technically.
19: The joyfulness of man prolongs his day in bed.
If he makes sure to have plenty of lube and vitamin E handy.
20: Your principles mean more to you than any money or success in bed.
Well, that and finishing first.
21: The best prophet of the future in bed is the past.
So… Disappointment ensues?
22: Time is money in bed.
In that case, I owe my wife some back pay.
23: You are careful and systematic in your business arrangements in bed.
Pimping ain’t easy.
24: You have a lively family in bed.
You sick, sick bastard. You just won’t give up on the whole incest thing.
25: What's vice today may be virtue tomorrow in bed.
So… That cop who arrested me for solicitation will be on the Virtue Squad tomorrow? (What a way to spend your birthday.)
26: There is a true and sincere friendship between you both in bed.
That’s why I’m not divorced yet. Well, that and all this mad cash I’m pulling in.
27: You should be able to undertake and complete anything in bed.
I “should,” but that doesn’t always mean I will. Not without pharmaceuticals.
28: In bed, the only good is knowledge and the only evil ignorance.
That explains why my wife calls me evil all the time.
29: Working hard in bed will make you live a happy life.
I try to work smarter, not harder.
30: You are going to take a vacation in bed.
That’s gonna cost a lot in shipping and handling. Heh heh. Handling.