Friday, December 23, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

November 1: You have a deep appreciation for the arts and music in bed.Umm… Is porn part of the arts?

2: You will be advanced socially, without any special effort in bed.
Oh, good. ‘Cause I haven’t put any forth.

3: You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly in bed.
Hey! I was born this way. Besides, my wife says I’m average.

5: A modest man never talks of himself in bed.
Does screaming out my own name at the end count?

7: God will help you overcome any hardship in bed.
Overcome it? I wanted his help ACHIEVING it!

8: Handsome is that handsome does in bed.           
Handsome is crying and apologizing?

9: Good sense is the master of human life in bed.
In the words of Adam Savage of Mythbusters, “Well there’s your problem.”

10: You will have gold pieces by the bushel in bed.
That explains the lumpy matress…

11: You will sleep well at night in bed.
So… Not on the couch? She’s gonna forgive me?  Awesome!

12: Drink to your health in bed.
Just don’t drink too much or your “health” won’t work so well.

14: You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy in bed.
*Belch* You know me. I got class running out my… ears.

15: In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare in bed.
Then how come all those websites make so much money?

16: You were born with a "silver spoon in your mouth" in bed.
That explains why my mom was always so mad at me.

17: Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress in bed.
A thong it is!

18: The world is always ready to receive talent with open arms in bed.
Tell that to the moderators of Facebook. Jerks. It’s not like I was even naked. Technically.

19: The joyfulness of man prolongs his day in bed.
If he makes sure to have plenty of lube and vitamin E handy.

20: Your principles mean more to you than any money or success in bed.
Well, that and finishing first.

21: The best prophet of the future in bed is the past.
So… Disappointment ensues?

22: Time is money in bed.
In that case, I owe my wife some back pay.

23: You are careful and systematic in your business arrangements in bed.
Pimping ain’t easy.

24: You have a lively family in bed.
You sick, sick bastard. You just won’t give up on the whole incest thing.

25: What's vice today may be virtue tomorrow in bed.
So… That cop who arrested me for solicitation will be on the Virtue Squad tomorrow? (What a way to spend your birthday.)

26: There is a true and sincere friendship between you both in bed.
That’s why I’m not divorced yet. Well, that and all this mad cash I’m pulling in.

27: You should be able to undertake and complete anything in bed.
I “should,” but that doesn’t always mean I will. Not without pharmaceuticals.

28: In bed, the only good is knowledge and the only evil ignorance.
That explains why my wife calls me evil all the time.

29: Working hard in bed will make you live a happy life.
I try to work smarter, not harder.

30: You are going to take a vacation in bed.
That’s gonna cost a lot in shipping and handling. Heh heh. Handling.