In Bed with David Crowe - the final installment

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

December 1: You find beauty in ordinary things in bed, do not lose this ability.

I don’t think I could ever lose it. I’m one of the ordinary things.

2: Practice makes perfect in bed.

And too much practice causes chafing.

3: You have a friendly heart and are well admired in bed.

By who?! Name one person! I dare you! I double dog dare you!

4: Struggle as hard as you can in bed for whatever you believe in.

I believe that one of these days, I won’t finish first and have to hear her sigh in disappointment.

5: Hard words break no bones, fine words butter no parsnips in bed.

Is… is that code? ‘Cause, if so… you’re going to have to explain it to me.

6: Share your joys and sorrows with your family in bed.

Does screaming out at the end count?

8: Answer just what your heart prompts you in bed.

Since when did my heart become a pop quiz?

9: A thrilling time is in your immediate future in bed.

So, she’s going to let me try that thing from the Kama Sutra again?! Sweet! I love “passionate monkey tickles the lotus blossom!”

10: Your whole family are well in bed.

Good for you Mom and Dad, but I’d really rather not think on this one too much.

11: Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you in bed.

My wife seems pretty grumpy for being happiness.

12: Wisdom is only found in truth in bed.

So my wife’s criticism and mocking is wisdom? You learn something new every day.

14: It is not your character to give up in bed.

Character, no. Physical prowess… not so much.

15: Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment in bed.

No wonder these things haven’t been helping!

16: You will have a pleasant trip in bed.

Yeah. That drug interaction was pretty awesome.

17: You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time in bed.

I totally do! My wife on the other hand did not find the whoopee cushion as hilarious as I did. She did laugh, however, when I told her my back hurt from sleeping on the couch so much lately.

18: People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner in bed.

Yeah, the whining, begging, crying, and bribery really work.

19: Maybe you can live on the moon in next century in bed.

Is this a “Honeymooners” reference I’m just not getting?

20: A friend asks only for your time not your money in bed.

I really need to get some new friends.

21: You will be unusually successful in business in bed.

Okay. For the last time, cookie. I am not hooking. You’ve been trying all year to get me onto the mean streets to sell my body to strangers, but I’m putting my foot down. OUCH! Damn high heels.

22: If you continually give in bed, you will continually have.

I hope this is referring to orgasms.

23: You have great physical powers and an iron constitution in bed.

I love how you never make assumptions, cookie. I really do.

24: You will enjoy good health, you will be surrounded by luxury in bed.

Wow. So, my life is going to do a full 180? Sweet! About time.

25: Your life will be happy and peaceful in bed.

Silent night,
Holy night,
As per norm,

She was right.

I didn’t listen to her so well.

Now I’m stuck in bad husband jail.

Sleeping on the couch.

My back hurts. Oh damn. Ouch.

26: A surprise treat awaits you.

She bought some more lingerie? For her this time?

28: A friend is a present you give to yourself in bed.

Wow. Our definitions of “friend” and “present” are waaaaayyy different.

29: You are vigorous in words and action in bed.

I totally am. Well. For a while anyway. A short while. Shut up, cookie.

30: You are ambitious in bed.

And that’s where all the problems started.

31: A good time to start something new in bed.

Like actually sleeping?