Thursday, March 3, 2011

Today's fortune: March 3, 2011

Today's fortune: Your most memorable dream will come true.

Some have suggested, quite raunchily (is that a word?), that perhaps today's fortune is referring to my wildest fantasy. But for once in my life, I've decided to take the high road. I'm going to interpret the phrase "your most memorable dream" as literally as possible by talking about actual dreams - the kind that happen inside your subconscious when you're asleep.

Sadly, I'm pretty damn certain my most memorable dream will not be coming true.

In my most memorable dream, I'm the Pope.

Not just for pretend, either, but the actual honest-to-god (pun intended) Pope. However, I don't live in the Vatican (rather, I still live in my house in Kansas City), I don't wear Pope clothing and I don't ride around in the Popemobile. I'm just a regular guy who happens to be the Pope.

The most vivid scene from the dream is when I visit a local fast food restaurant. I walk in and everybody is shocked that the Pope himself would visit the establishment. The customers part and I stride to the counter. To the awed employee I say, "Hi, I'm the Pope, I'll take a number four..." And I get the food for free because, you know, I'm the Pope.

And that's pretty much the whole dream. The funniest part is, I'm not Catholic.

I think it was influenced by a viewing of one of my favorite movies, King Ralph:

Since my dream probably won't come true (Catholics everywhere are hoping it won't, at least), I decided to look into the dreams of friends and co-workers. Maybe one of theirs will.

The first person I asked told me she often dreams that she's Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. Interesting, but probably not coming true.

Another friend said he had a dream that he was playing basketball in heaven. The dream actually sounds awesome: "The court was like a flower bed, but I could still dribble." But everybody knows people in heaven only play baseball. If you wanna shoot hoops, you have to head south - the deeeeep south.

Another friend's most memorable dream is hilarious and topical.

"I was at some sort of reunion," my friend said. "Charlie Sheen was there, too. He was hitting on me in front of my boyfriend, and my boyfriend didn't like it. Next thing I know, I met Charlie Sheen at his parents' house for an after-reunion barbecue, and he gave me a beautiful blue dress.

"Charlie tried to get on me... you know the Charlie way. And I ran away in my beautiful blue dress and tall heels. I was running so fast, I could feel the wind rushing by. Then I woke up."

While I was thinking, "Some weird stuff goes on at Martin Sheen's place," my friend added this gem: "It was obviously a dream because I can't even walk in tall heels."

Actually, that one sounds like it could really come true. Let's hope not.

A musical fantasy was at the center of another friend's dream. "In my most memorable dream, I'm the lead singer of the band Cameo. My two brothers play the guitar and the bass. In the dream it's nighttime, and we're playing a concert. We're wearing the long trenchcoats just like Cameo wore, and we sounded just like Cameo."

Is that freakin' Levar Burton? And don't get me started on the red jockstrap...

Maybe my friend will re-unite the group. But I doubt it.

I hope my wife's most memorable dream won't come true, because it is actually a nightmare. "It's a recurring dream I had when I was a kid," Jamie said. "In the dream, I'm just a baby and I'm alone inside a car. The car is parked in front of a house, and there are kitties on the porch. The kitties start to walk toward me and it makes me happy, but when they get closer I realize they're not kitties but wild cats, like mountain lions or bobcats. They jump on top of the car and they're trying to get me."

Jamie says she still thinks about that dream, and worries about what it might mean.

As I was leaving work for the day, I had taken pages of notes on people's dreams, but I knew none of them were coming true. I made one last effort and asked a guy who works near me on the widget floor. In the past he had talked to me about his grandfather, who passed away in 2006. My friend was very close to this man, and was devastated by his passing.

"Right after he died, I had a dream that my grandpa came to my wedding," my friend told me today. "He was there, watching me walk down the aisle. He was standing next to my grandma. And I was so happy."

The dream happened nearly five years ago, long before my friend became engaged. He's getting married this summer.

Buddy, your dream is coming true. Your grandpa will be there with you that day.