In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

March 1: Be prepared to receive something special with no strings attached in bed.

Everything comes with a price. But if you say, so fortune, we’ll see. Keeping things crossed just in case. (My fingers, you perverts.)

March 3: Your most memorable dream will come true in bed.

I’m going to get attacked by wolves wearing clown makeup in bed? *crying a little*

March 4: You will find your horizons suddenly broadened in bed.

True enough. I learned that my wife can be very creative. As soon as she read this one she got a weird gleam in her eye and before I knew it, out came the handcuffs and riding crop. My poor horizons are still sore.

March 5: A four-wheeled adventure will soon bring you happiness in bed.

I found one of our son’s Hot Wheels hidden under my pillow. Does that count?

March 6: Your life will be prosperous if you use your creativity in bed.

I got creative and I was pretty sure we were close to prospering when the phone rang. We let it go to the answering machine, but something about my mother’s voice tends to put a damper on our prospering.

March 7: Good things come in small packages. One is coming to you in bed.

HEY! Shut up, you stupid fortune! My wife says I’m average.

March 9: You are admired for your adventurous ways in bed.

If by “admired” you mean “looked at with disgust and shame,” then yes. I am admired.

March 10: Seek out the significance of your problem at this time in bed. Try to understand.

I think the main problem is that my wife and I have some things we need to sit down and talk about. Mostly the definitions of words like “creative” and “experimenting” and “satisfaction,” Oh, and “premature.” We should get that one out of the way too.

March 13: You will have many friends when you need them in bed.

God, I hope not. Have you met my friends?

March 14: A loved one is of utmost importance at this time in bed.

She’s important all the time in bed. Heck, without her, these would be pretty boring. And repetitive. And a little sad.

March 15: You will soon receive an usual gift of food for your health in bed.

I tend to agree that this is a typo. However, I did get the usual gift in bed. A pat on the head and a “nice try” from my wife. Not sure how good it was for my health, though.

March 17: The most direct approach isn't always the best. Use diplomacy in bed.

I’m always diplomatic. The problem is there’s just the two of us, so votes can be kind of tricky. I keep putting a motion on the floor for a third to make a quorum, but somehow it keeps getting voted down.

March 22: You will take a chance in the future, and win in bed.

But I always win in bed. I take first place every time. OH! I get it. Umm… can we forget what I said a second ago?

March 24: Linger over dinner discussions this week for needed advice in bed.

And now our son knows way more about his mother and I than he ever wanted to know. Poor kid.

March 26: Tomorrow your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas in bed.

Looks like I’m going to need more drafting paper.

March 27: Your path may be difficult, but will be rewarding in bed.

My side of the path isn’t that bad actually. Maybe this one is for my wife?

March 31: Prepare for a change of events in your personal life in bed.

She has threatened divorce in the past…