Monday, June 6, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

May 2: You will be happily surprised by a long time friend in bed.
Surprised? Yes. Happily? Not so much. We really need to start locking the doors.

May 3: You have a keen sense of humor and bring out the best in others in bed.
Well… I do make her laugh sometimes.

May 4: You have a charming way with words in bed. Send an e-mail to a friend.
I would, but I’ve been warned against it. She said something about castrating me if I go into too much detail.

May 5: You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course in bed.
They say slow and steady wins the race. I say: It’s a race. Whoever finishes first wins!

May 7: An unexpected payment is coming your way in bed!
I swear, these cookies are trying to make me a gigolo.

May 8: Your efforts in a critical area will soon be rewarded in bed.
Hear that honey? Don’t give up yet!

May 9: It is quality rather than quantity that matters in bed. Do a good job tomorrow.
Normally I’d agree, but quantity is awesome!!!

May 10: No fortune in cookie.
No fortune? What a coincidence… *tears*

May 13: You will attend an unusual party and meet someone important.
I’m not even gonna add in bed to this one. We’ve been to those parties, and we’ve met the people who attend them. All of them are creepy, and none of them ever seemed important.

May 14: Visit a park. Enjoy what nature has to offer in bed.
I brought home a pine cone! It didn’t go so well.

May 15: You will be rewarded for your hard work this past mont
This fortune stopped prematurely. I’m not even going to comment on the inferences here.

May 16: A new relationship is about to blossom in bed. You will be blessed.
Why do you tease me so, cookie? Why?

May 17: Your health is important in bed. Eat your vegetables!
Eat… or use?

May 18: You will win favors when you expand your social circle in bed.
That’s what I keep telling her, but does she listen? No.

May 19: Now is a good time to finish up old tasks in bed.
I fluffed the pillows and aired out the sheets. And no, that’s not a euphemism.

May 23: You shall soon make a long overdue personal decision in bed.
Fine. I’ll shave. But I’m not gonna like it.
(Follow up: Okay. I like it.)

May 24: Your ability to love will help a child in need in bed.
Nope. Not going there.

May 25: Travelling to the south will bring you unexpected happiness in bed.
So my wife keeps telling me.

May 26: You have firm convictions - stand strong behind them in bed.
I’ll do that, but she hates being called “convictions.”

May 27: An admirer is concealing his affection for you in bed.
Matt? Do we need to have a talk? I’ve told you. We’re just friends.

May 28: Focus on the color yellow tomorrow for good luck in bed!
I knew the yellow thong was a good idea.

May 29: Your careful nature will bring you financial success in bed.
Dang it! I’m not selling my body for money, Cookie. I don’t care how careful I am, it’s not an option. Get over it.

May 30: You will always have good luck in your personal affairs in bed.
Are you trying to get me in trouble?

May 31: You will soon be involved in many gatherings and parties in bed.
I can give it another try, but they weren’t that fun to begin with. Sure there was laughing, but at me, not with me.

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