Monday, September 5, 2011

In Bed with David Crowe

Kansas City writer David Crowe takes some of my fortunes and tacks “in bed” on the end of them in this monthly feature. WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. Click here to read last month’s installment. In bed.

August 2: Don't be surprised by the emergence of undiscovered talents in bed!
That’s what I keep telling the wife, but NO. She doesn’t want to see the new tricks I can do with my… um… I’ve said too much.

August 3: Past experience: He who never makes mistakes never did anything that's worthy in bed.

August 4: You will get what your heart desires in bed.
Twins! Oh, who am I kidding? Why would I want to disappoint two women at once?

August 5: This is a night for love and affection in bed.
But honey, the cookie said so. We gotta! It’s the law!

August 7: Two small jumps are sometimes better than one big leap in bed.
Here we go with size again! Dammit cookie, this is how God made me. *runs off crying*

August 9: There will be many surprises in bed: unexpected gains are likely.
So, if I shock her with something totally off the wall and perverted, I’m still doing a good thing? Got it. Staying the course.

August 10: A sound mind and a healthy body bring many happy events to your family in bed.
You’ve been talking to my doctor and my wife, haven’t you? For the last time, I’ve been doing my best on this stupid diet and exercise. Get off my back!

August 11: Doors will be opening for you in many areas of your life in bed.
They sure did, and now our son needs therapy. Thanks cookie.

August 13: The simplest answer is to act in bed.
Says you. When I finish too early, do you have any idea how hard it is to keep that goofy look off my face?!

August 14: There's a good chance of a romantic encounter soon in bed.
I wouldn’t count on it. I had chili for lunch. And dinner. And breakfast.

August 15: Place special emphasis on old friendship in bed.
Wife: What’s with that silly grin on your face?
Me: Oh, nothin’. Just following the cookie’s advice.
Wife: Well, keep it up. I haven’t seen you this amorous in years!
Me: You got it, Becky.
Wife: Who the hell is Becky?
Me: An old friend of mine from high school. She was really hot and I always wanted to… Where are you going? Why are you opening the gun cabinet?
Thanks cookie. Great advice.

August 18: An exciting opportunity lies ahead for you in bed.
You always get my hopes up like this, but it’s never anyone but my wife. I mean… um… As it should be.

August 19: Be prepared to accept a wondrous opportunity in the days ahead in bed!
Ed McMahon? What are you doing here?! Honey, leave the man alone. I’m pretty sure he’s here to see me… Hey Ed, you wanna stop nibbling my wife’s ear?
*wakes up sweating*

August 20: Your kindness is surely to be repaid in bed.
No ma’am. It was my pleasure to help you across the street. What? Oh no. That’s… that’s quite okay. You can close your coat now. Yes, they are nice for a woman your age, but I really have to go and… Oh no. I couldn’t. I’m married. No. Please. NO!
Wait! Ed McMahon, what are YOU doing here?!?!
*wakes up sweating*
Okay. No more cookies before bed.

August 22: You will receive a surprising gift very soon in bed.
If by gift you mean fleas, and if by surprising you mean an infestation, then yes. Well done, cookie.

August 24: The love of your life will appear in front of you unexpectedly in bed!
Well that’s going to be an interesting conversation to have with the wife. “Honey, meet Gabrielle Anwar. Gabrielle, this is my wife. Welcome to our home. Now lose the clothes.”

August 25: Be on the alert for new opportunity in bed.
That’s why I installed the cameras.

August 27: Many pleasurable and memorable adventures are in store for you in bed!
Well, I guess I better pull out my old character sheets and 20 sided dice.

August 29: Your ability to find the silly in the serious will take you far in bed.
“Did you hear that funny popping noise from your hip joint? It sounded like a cork being pulled!! HAHAHA! Why are you crying?”

August 30: One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes in bed.
Great. Now I have to check and make sure all the cameras are mine. There goes my day.

August 31: People are attracted by your delicate features in bed.